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| (#13)Colchester celebrates after knocking out (#4)BFA-St. Albans in the second round of penalty kicks. But who would have advanced if Wednesday's playdown had been decided by a raffle? |
Like the changing of the leaves or the 2,738 Facebook status updates about the first snowfall, ridiculous finishes to soccer games are an annual fall tradition in the great state of Vermont. High school playoff soccer games tied after 110 minutes of play are determined by a best-of-five penalty kick shootout; the soccer equivalent of deciding a presidential election by counting just five states (whoops, poor analogy).
No soccer fan is OK with deciding the fate of a season by making athletes compete in something decidedly "non-soccer." Each season, without fail, deserving teams go home early because they failed in what is essentially a game of chance. The most recent victim: BFA-St. Albans. Watching such a fun group of girls in tears after outshooting Colchester 17-4 in regulation but losing in PK's was heartbreaking. The pain wasn't from the loss as much as the lack of fairness involved.
This isn't all sour grapes from a homer of a sportswriter. Last year, my alma mater, Missisquoi, advanced in the playoffs by knocking off Essex in PK's. Nobody should lose like that and no team feels like true victors when it wins like that. What other travesties are on deck for this postseason? Milton's girls outshot Green Mountain Valley 21-6 but needed overtime to win. Would a GMVS penalty kick victory have been just?
We all want to see the best teams advance at the end of the day, but logical arguments are best left for the talented sportswriters. Instead, I'd like to be proactive and offer alternatives to penalty kicks. If we're not going to use soccer to determine winners, why shouldn't we have some fun with it? A few suggestions:
Tug of War- You're not going to watch this? Really?
Boggle- Let's keep it academic if possible. Though I'm willing to listen to arguments for Candyland, Sorry and Trouble. But we don't have time for Monopoly and I refuse to see a season decided by Chutes and Ladders!
Karaoke-
Duck-Duck-Goose- Find it odd that I lumped these two together? Here's the logic: Nothing's worse than watching high schoolers in tears after their season is ended. Have you ever seen sad people doing either of these things? NO MORE TEARS!
Alumni Beer Pong Game- Every playoff game is flooded with college kids returning to their former pitches, yearning for the glory days of old. Why not let these fine folks put that first-semester training to work and help the team out one last time?
Relay Race-
Water Polo- Conditioning is a vital part of soccer. Plus, this rewards the team with the guts (or stupidity) to jump into Lake Champlain in November.
Mini Golf- With the Ryder Cup and all the majors over, I think we can all agree we'd like a chance to see some more pressure putting.
Team GPA- Sure, we'd know ahead of time who advances in the event of a tie, but overtime might be better with one team desperately attacking instead of both playing not to lose. And, after all, these are student athletes. Maybe we go with the GPA of the starters to avoid varsity coaches calling up the chess club to fill out the playoff roster.
War- Undoubtedly the greatest soccer-related game ever. Not to mention, I used to dominate this back in the day, so it's near and dear to my heart. For those who don't know, it's one-on-one with two goals about 30 yards apart. Use of hands is allowed but neither player may cross midfield. These were supposed to be joke ideas, but this one's honestly a better test of soccer skill than PK's even if it doesn't address the issue of putting too much pressure on a few players.
Complaints, Behavior & Sportsmanship- My personal favorite. An extra official is assigned to playoff games and stands between the benches. Points for every obnoxious complaint (calm, civil discussion is still allowed). Triple points for audible complaints by fans. Double points for any complaint by an assistant coach or bench player. Single point for a complaint by head coach or player (includes raised arms). Team with fewer points at the end of regulation + overtime advances to next round.
Bake-Off-
Pie Eating Contest- These two are self explanatory. If we're going to make a farce of the postseason, we should at least eat well. This is the idea most likely to be pushed by sportswriters as we are all, each and every one of us, shameless gluttons.
Essay Contest- Topics include: Why My Team Deserved To Win This Game, How Twitter Changed My Life For The Better or, of course, Why I Love America.
Blackjack- I just like the idea of 20 minutes of practice time being used to explain to 16 year olds why you NEVER split 5's.
Rock-Paper-Scissors- Again, make practice time more fun. Who needs corner kicks when you can study pages of rock-paper-scissors habits?
Scavenger Hunt- First team to bring back a softball, a cellphone from before 2006, a 5 lb. dumb-bell, a black cat and a cup of gas station chili advances to the next round!
Scavenger Hunt Part II- Each team selects one player to eat the gas station chili and chase the cat goal line to goal line while holding the dumb-bell in one hand and sending a complicated text with the ancient cellphone in the other.
Non-Starters w/Coaches in Net- Years ago, Vermont had a system even worse than PK's. They actually (seriously, not kidding) followed overtime with 8v8 WITH NO GOALIES. Obviously that's no solution, even for a joke blog. But, following OT with a game between bench players and the coaches in net? I'll watch that.
Synchronized Swimming Routines- Maybe we should consider an indoor pool for the water events.
Obstacle Course- Or we just let teams compete American Gladiators style?
The Newlywed Game- Encourage team unity by seeing which group of players knows more about its coach. "Alright girls, stick with triangle passing and if that doesn't work, remember my favorite boy band is N'Sync. NOT the Backstreet Boys."
Flag Football- Local Powderpuff football games have been a rousing success. We're all in favor of more.
Spelling Bee- Again, more focus on academics. Bonus points if you can juggle a soccer ball while you spell. There is a twist: All the words will be last names of players from the Turkish, Ivory Coast or Iranian national teams.
50/50 Raffle- Another favorite. At a time when our schools are hurting for money, let's step up and do what the government can't. Sure, it's nice when the 50/50 winner gets to take home $67. But I feel like we'd raise a tad more money for Vermont schools if that same winner also had to stick around until the end of the game, choosing the team to move on in the event of a tie. Perhaps we'd reopen the raffle during the second overtime period. I think the VPA would be in favor of a Rice-CVU bidding war in the title game; New laptops for every student!!!
JV Game- Keep the young guns practicing and playing longer! Yes, of course it's insane to put that much pressure on high schoolers and determine the fate of a varsity team without letting it play for its own season. Isn't it?
